why going out doesn't suck (maybe... maybe not?)
my first ever modern "outing" happened back when i was 18, covid was dying down and a friend from highschool who equally loved nicki minaj invited me to a "nicki night" hosted and dj'ed by a friend of hers. it was me, her, and one of her friends i had never met before. i had skipped out on going prom with her, and didn't talk much with her before the event, i just went and expected it all to go fine. i was still chubby, my hair was shit, my style... disgusting (i had just discovered uniqlo airism shirts at this point), and overall, not the best appearance wise. i think as a younger, impressionable kid, i thought that being a twink was the thing to be. after saying that for context, it's not a suprise to me anymore why i felt so out of place there, and i distinctly remember the night in four stages: her bringing us behind the dj booth, the girls taking photos of eachother (sometimes asking me to take some of them), the three of us sweating from how poorly ventilated the place was, then spending the night practically ignored by my friend. whatever, let that be the environment you create, but in my eyes, if you invite someone out, it's up to you to make them somewhat welcome. i thought for a long time, these kind of experiences were normal and i'd attribute them to me just being out of place and awkward, but i realize now that there are much weirder people in this world. i'm not into nicki minaj anymore, nor do i care for going to gay clubs here in toronto (for even more reasons i won't disclose), so yea i'm never going out with her again!
anyways, all of this is to say that i'm always apprehensive about going out. it's a very polarizing experience, anything can happen and sometimes nothing can happen and you still have a poor time. i think that going out also depends on the crowd; i've only ever gone out in largely female dominated groups, and in my experience, if a friend ends up getting hit on by a guy, the procedure/expectation for me is to distance unless my friend is getting creeped out and needs help. it sucks at time, because i want that to happen to me, but i know deep down the world doesn't work like that (for a multitude of reasons i won't go into). most of the experiences i've been in are in these very classic heterosexual enviroments, and it's dumb cause after the third or fourth time, you get used to this and don't expect anything else or new. the story is the same, you pre at someone's house (drinks here in toronto are horribly expensive), you pack into an uber, wait in a huge line, get your ears blasted in by drake or someother song that every white kid from barrie knows, feel the effects of the alcohol, lob your lunch out behind a dumpster and get home feeling terrible about the last few hours. the expectation every girl that goes out on king street has is that they are going to have their "brat" experience, while wearing the same tube top as the previous fifty girls and only knowing the lyrics to drake's "controlla". the men are demons, and at best, boring and reductive to anything other than a blonde five foot white girl - not to mention the scent of dior sauvage that has pavlov's dog'ed me a permanent gag reflex. all of this to say, i hope king street west here in toronto gets blown to bits. i hope the whole street gets wiped out and all that is left are the beautiful bouncers that only need a twenty dollar bill and a cigarette to let you skip the line of the shitty clubs in this city. there is no love left in going out on this street, just a mindless heterosexual mating ritual.
okay... maybe i've been hating on king street west too much... regardless, my two friends and i went out for new years (my decision to go was made last minute). i am very thankful that despite the three of us being single, we managed to go the night without needing to deal with the effects or sucumbing to this king street ritual. the night was odd for other reasons, including but not limited to excessive cramming pre-midnight, throw up on my docs, a bouncer infront of the bathroom that was clearly out of it, but regardless, the friendship the three of us had made it very nice. i'm in the camp that good people can make any experience fun, and i think this night was a prime example of this. we went to early mercy for the countdown, then alternated between dancing like a pack of rabid ferrets and taking breathers on the patio. i love them alot, and i really love dancing, so those two things made the night insanely fun. theres not much else i can say about the night other than it being just perfect and itself. i think the two of them really instilled a new love for going out in me, and i'm glad that the three of us agree well enough with eachother to the point that we can have such a nice night focusing only on eachother. i don't think that something like that comes spontaneously, but rather is something the comes once you've built a great relationship with people, you work and build on it. in the past, i've gone out with people i didn't have that with, i'd have a terrible time and dread the next outting. however, now i find that i pine for more experiences like this with them. okay so maybe i like going out, i've just been going out with the wrong people all this time and i've only realized this now.
i absolutely love a good bar night, and in my opinion, a bar with shitty live music outcompetes any single club, luckily, there are plenty of those in toronto. the bar is low stakes, and does away with the feral hormone driven environment of king street, which quite frankly is a large motivator for my love of the bar. you can be the worst fourty year-old alcoholic or a freshly legal nineteen year old, but at the end of the day you're going to choose the cheapest tap option and talk your heart out to whoever listens. it's a more intimate environment, it's something everyone needs from time to time. of course, not every bar is like this, but part of being young is discerning the bad from the good, and gradually ticking boxes in your "i don't like this place" list. my expectations for going to a bar are always met, and i'm always left with a good experience compared to it's evil cousin. maybe im young but also old and tired. i like a sit down. i like to take off my coat without needing to coat check it. i like leaving the bar and walking through a cloud of smoke and bad breath. is that not enough in this cruel cruel world???