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twenty-one notes since i'm twenty-two now

in honor of turning twenty-two, it's time to have a moment of introspection and list twenty-one things that happened this year. i tried my best near the end, but i think i captured this age pretty well, however i am rushing to finish this tonight as tomorrow is new years... who knows, maybe i never write again? wouldn't that be funny?

  1. i gave up on my new year resolutions pretty quickly. i write about this on and off, but it was pretty funny how quickly i gave up my goal of not touching alcohol. i think less than a week after, i got terribly hammered for new years. no tattoos. i started using instagram again. whatever, i'm only one human. i'm not making any goals for twenty-two, i think i'll be taking this age as it comes.

  2. strengthened the relationships with the people closest to me. i want to say i've gotten closer and more secure to three or four friends over the past year. with them, i feel like no topic is taboo, no words need to be left unsaid, we can go nonverbal without it being something awkward. it's nice to have grown more secure with them, and i see them playing significant roles for the rest of my life.

  3. said yes more often. as much as i love to spam no, i came to realize how much boredom came out of it. i missed out on a lot of memorable moments with friends because i was too scared of how i'd act, what i'd say, how i'd be perceived. i realize now how stupid of an excuse that was, and how the right approach is to say yes, see how it goes, and if i liked it, do it again, if not, then say no the next time.

  4. spent a lot less time at home. similar to the previous point, as much of a homebody i am, its boring here. video games can't occupy my mind as much as they did before, and youtube videos can only fill my head for set intervals until i'm left wanting more. it's nice to get outside, get a bit of fresh air, especially on days like these where the weather is damp and cold and each breathe feels like ice down my lungs. i found that once going outside became a regular routine, the time i spent at home felt a lot less like prison time too. i come home after a day spent outside the house, eat a good meal, shower, throw on some music while i clean or tap on my keyboard, and go to sleep. my life doesn't revolve around my room as much anymore.

  5. started a big boy job. as much as i bitch and moan about work sometimes, it's really not that bad. people are nice and i feel stimulated enough to do good. of course i don't see myself working their forever, but i think a desk job is not the worst thing in the world when you have very good boundaries. it's like daycare for my mind, and i think if i wasn't working, i would have probably spent this time on my laptop, which is a bit dumb to think about. making my own money is nice too, i get to have nice snacks, treats, and beverages, treat my friends and family out, give money to my mom and sisters.

  6. went on a family trip for the first time in a few years. my family and i went back to montenegro this summer and for the first time in six years, we were all there are the same time. it was a nice vacation, but i think my sanity was crippled having spent three weeks in a one bedroom apartment with my five member family (plus the occasional visitor). i love my family but i need space because i felt that by the end of it, i was just going insane. if anything, the trip reaffirmed that i can only do solo vacations. maybe it'll be different when i move out and spend less time with my family, but as of right now, i think a vacation should include time spent away from them as a top priority.

  7. finalized my earring selection. i've had ear piercings for almost four years now? i went through various phases of wearing all black, silver black, gold, hoops, studs, blah blah blah, but i've realized i really crave the simplicity of silver jewelry. it's subtle enough that it doesn't overpower the rest of my face, and it matches well with almost any outfit. for the past few months, i've been exclusively rocking piercings on my right ear. for now, i've just been wearing; two helix piercings with small silver hoops, two conch piercings with a hoop in one, and a stud in another, then three lobes with two silver hoops and another stud. i don't think i would get anymore piercings, it's too much of a hassle and i feel awkward going into tattoo shops to get another.

  1. stuck exclusively to iced and hot americanos as my drink of choice. occasionally i drink tea though, but my drink of choice continues to be a black americano. i find that it's the easiest way to discern whether a coffee shop is worth visiting again. a good americano should not be bitter, but rather somewhat sweet and/or nutty, you should be able to take sips but not gulps, and if iced, the ice should last until the end of the drink. it's an incredibly simple drink, but the bar for toronto coffee shops seems to be in hell, and i've had to write off many places simply because of this. no amount of syrups, milk or foam can fix a poor espresso shot. maybe i'm just a snob, but i know i'm right.

  2. subscribed to multiple weekly webtoons. i've always been a webtoon enjoyer, but i think i have definitely taken the deep dive this year and added a few more series to my weekly collection. i pay ten us dollars each month for a hundred coins, which lets me read fast-pass'ed episodes for 5 different series a week, for a month. which is enough for me to be honest. i wish there was a wrapped for this type of stuff. but instead i'll list some good ones i've been following; "tower of god", "like mother, like daughter", "here u are", "suhee0", "to the stars and back", "muse on fame". it's a weird mix of series, some are love dramas, some are slice of life, there are some fantasy ones i've been following for years at this point. but i guess now that i have some extra cash, i don't mind shelling out some to fast-pass the latest episodes.

  3. my eating habits could have been better. my issue with the weekdays is that i don't eat in the morning, then ill skip lunch, then i'll finally eat a bunch when i get home, both out of primal anger for the working world and also cause i'm starving at that point. i like one meal days, but i think that i could use a few more snacks throughout the day to tide me over. i think a snack at midday and one on the way home is the best method. weight-wise, i've kept myself pretty stable, i don't wan't or need to go lower, and i think i should actually put on a few pounds for the winter. it was one degree yesterday and i was shivering like a chihuahua in uniqlo heat-tech, a sweater, and a coat.

  4. collected more knick knacks. i love stuff. i love collecting small things and i love being gifted them. a paper weight? love it. a broken watch with a cool strap? please. random mind containers with cute characters? run it. i'm not a hoarder per say, but i think there is some fun in collecting. i hope that when i'm old i'll start going to flea markets to sell all my shit.

  5. finished university. huge for me. as much as i love a traditional learning environment, i think that university took a lot out of me. looking back, i think it would have made the same choice to study at my university, but sometimes i wonder how life would've transpired had i gone somewhere else. when i think about grad school now, i'm set to move somewhere else, i need something new.

  6. got sick once. i went out for the twenty-fourth and i think that outing, in combination with very cold air, took everything out of me. i got home yesterday at 6, took a shower, then drank a whole neocitron and a beer and absolutely collapsed. i'm feeling well rested now but my throat still hurts and i've been coughing up little chunks of green phlegm. it's not the best feeling, but at least i skipped the annual fall cold. my voice is still terrible and hoarse, and i can't look at a screen for too long, but i'm surviving.

  7. treated people with more respect. part of this required me to cut down how much i read into others actions. i was told very clearly that it was unfair to read into the actions of others, and in that i gained more respect for the good actions of others. as much as i would like to know the motivations for why people act the way that i do, it's also terribly invasive, and in a sense controlling. i didn't like the way this train of thinking made me act, and i find that when you start just letting people act without a personal need for understanding, life gets so much easier. it gives people more autonomy over the way they act, and in a sense, makes me respect people more. i don't know, maybe that's all nonsense

  8. explored new music and podcasts, saw more concerts. i tend to add songs to my "liked" on spotify then spam the most recent ones until i get physically sick of the songs, but alas i discover new music regardless. i've been really enjoying doechii and caroline polachek as of recently, ironically i discovered them through their tiny desk concerts, and not spotify. doechii gives me the vibe that early nicki minaj did, her lyricism is strong and i like how much she manages to mix genres in a single debut album. likewise, caroline is a classic, but her vocals are just insane, pretty in possible is a beautiful track that suprisingly has minimal autotune (if you listen to it, you'll notice). concert-wise, i saw pink pantheress, some lamp, boa, my faves... i saw some other people but those three were my favorite. i lost some hearing in my left ear after each show but it's okay because it's totally worth it.

  9. decided beer as my beverage of choice. hard alcohol is cringe, no matter which way you spin it. i'd rather drink piss than touch tequila. it's too much and i've had too many bad experiences to warrant a change in opinion. there is no enjoyment in having a drink anymore, and similar to many things in todays culture, it's become a race to get as incapacitated as possible. beer is not like that. a good beer saves lives. i can live with mixed drinks and i can fuck up a bottle of white wine, but beer is king.

  1. slowed down my shopping habits, simplified what i wear. i don't like shopping, so for a while i tended to just spray and pray. i'd buy a bunch of things, then return them if i didn't like it. while yes it's okay, it did cause me a lot hassle to go back and forth return clothes. i've given up shopping at malls, it's too much work. most of my wardrobe is uniqlo tops and the occasional second hand jacket, i wear the same three pairs of pants, the same scuffed adidas trainers or a pair of docs. pop culture has made young adults believe they need to show out with convoluted outfits and shop constantly. doesn't matter if you're shopping at a mall or raided value village, you're still shopping and consuming because you've been lead to believe you need to. i like people with simple outfits, i like a spam outfit.

  2. got realistic about my phone and social media use. i dont think going phone free is possible, at least for me. i like instagram reels, i like posting shit, i like pinterest, whatever. i think the issue people have nowadays is a lack of impulse control and a tendency for indulgence. people who talk down to others for using social media are annoying and most likely very boring individuals, with very little going on in their lives to begin with, so they tend to fill their phone time with short form content. i realize that having a phone is fun, i can talk to my friends, see entertaining stuff, whatever, but i also know now how to close it when it gets to be too much.

  3. spent a month living alone and actually felt okay at the end of it. my parents and sisters left for summer vacation before i did, leaving me alone to take care of my two cats and my mom's plants. i had a lot more fun this time around though and i found that having cats at home made for a good excuse to turn down hangouts i didn't really care for (sorry not sorry). i think i was completely eaten up by the horizon series during this time, so on days that i wasn't working, i was taking walks or on my laptop. i started cooking way more which was also a nice challenge, and created a gibanica recipe that i'm still in love with to this day. in dead periods like these, i think having a routine is most important. i didn't have that last time around, so i felt miserable, but this time around i didn't feel my family's absence as much because i still had a set list of things to do each day/week/etc.

  4. started dating again. seriously this time. i feel like a victorian child heading into the mines, but alas we get through it. i don't know, i feel somewhat stable this time around, but i've already been somewhat smited by all of this. i feel like a person could only add to what i have at this point, and i'm not going into this looking to fill some piece of myself. it's nice to be wanted, people will tell you otherwise, but it's a nice feeling knowing someone wants you. is it so horrible to just want to feel wanted?maybe something will come of all this... please give me one more chance.

  5. accepted myself for where i'm at. phew, finally we are at the last one. i think that for a long time, i pushed myself very hard in some effort of knowing i'd do something great. it's a dream our parents tell us as kids; "you'll change the world", "you're a genius", etc. i think a lot of growing up starts when you give up this type of crap, and in the few months since giving it up, i've been finding myself happier, just genuinely happier. i don't feel the internal pressure i used to. i feel okay where i'm at, and i think that's enough. maybe it doesn't all have to be this grand narrative, maybe i can just have fun day to day and treat people well. is that so radical?