twenty one candles
i previously reflected on the goal i set out for myself when i turned twenty (tl;dr staying true to myself). it was a very broad thing i set out for myself, but i think it was a beacon i looked to for guidance many times. now that i turned twenty one today, i wanted to set more concrete goals for myself to work towards in this next year of my life.
to start doing:
**no weed/alcohol | **my substance use is something that ive realized could become a potential problem in my life. i think that there are times when i get really bored, and ill turn to balling up or having a beer as a way to mellow out this feeling of boredom. i think i may be more of my mom's son than i realize, ive started her habit of getting home and having a beer after a long day at work. its scary to see how much im like her. i also realize that most of my excursions with my supervisor end up with the both of us drinking. we get along fine for the most part, but we are somewhat like minded when it comes to wanting a drink at the end of a long ass research meeting. i think substances like alcohol can be easy ways to "break the ice" with others, i mean thats why we call it liquid courage, but i dont see myself relying on it when im' with people i like.
in terms of the weed issue, i actually threw my dab pen into the river this afternoon while thinking of the resolutions i wanted to make for twenty one. i was using it on and off as a way to fall asleep for the past month, which is embarrassing to admit. the best excuse that i can cough up was that life got to me and i was staying up too late.
ill be honest, i have addictive tendencies, and looking back at it now, i can realize some of my periods of being really into gaming, or certain niche subjects, or substances in this case as being forms of where my addictive personality has been allowed to shine. i dont know, i feel ashamed to be writing all this. gosh, its so weird to put it in written form but its something i've been grappling with over the past few days. i think its best for me to snip it in the bud while i'm still early, that's why its probably one of my bigger resolutions for this age. realistically, i might not fully quit, but that's not an excuse to not at least try to.
**get a tattoo | **i've wanted a tattoo for a very long time. out of all the people i've met, most of them are surprised to hear that i dont have a single one, given i have ten piercings. maybe i have an issue with the permanence of tattoos themselves. id cry if i got something i didn't like permanently engraved on me. i have some inklings of what i'd like though. one would have to be a zmaj, the balkan equivalent of a dragon. its a cool seeing how many different cultural interpretations of dragons exist, even between very geographically close cultures. zmaj in general tend to be more evil, and ironically, my patron saint sveti djordje is depicted killing one. its very sacrilegious to tattoo a dragon on oneself in my culture, so even though i dont actively participate in eastern orthodoxy, i dont think my parents would be very happy with a dragon tattooed on me. my only other wish would be to have some small motif from a major piece of media in my life tattooed on me, but i'm so indecisive i dont know which one i would choose.
to continue:
less short form content | i started heavily distancing myself from social media about a year and a half ago. i was getting sick of the whole need to constantly stay connected to others, so i pulled the plugged and deleted most of my media apart from instagram, discord, and pinterest. however, i found the thing that was pulling me in wasn't the social aspect, but rather the short form media (i used to be a tiktok user, but deleted it four years ago), like instagram reels or youtube shorts. these have popped up into my life again, which i'm really frustrated about because it really does feel like another addiction. i can easily waste, and i really mean waste multiple hours just scrolling. it sucks to see myself falling back into this cycle after working so hard to avoid it for the few months i was busy with school and work.
at least for these, i think i really need to cut it out completely. there's beliefs that addicts can come back to functional interactions with the substance they were addicted to, but i dont think short form content is something i can healthily interact with. i considered just outright deleting instagram, however i only really follow fifty people that i actually care about, so id feel like shit to drop out completely. i'm going to explore some alternatives, maybe there's a way to specifically block short form content on these types of apps... my go to for now has been to write or read a book/webtoon, but there's only so much i could distract myself with.
continue blogging | i have really enjoyed blogging over the past few months. for a while now, my goal with all of this has been to get better at communicating, which i feel like i have. being able to solidify my thoughts and reasoning on certain topics in my life has in general just made it easier to talk about them to others. i still jumble my words often, but i find i'm doing it at a lower frequency now. i was never really forced to sit down and dissect my views on certain things like i'm doing now. seeing how far i can go until i find some contradiction that makes me question my original view has been fun.
apart from getting better at communicating, i just like what i have now. i enjoy being able to talk with some of you and read what you guys write. i told meadow this the other day through email: "its kind of funny because at the end of the day i think that we are all in the same boat, we are all dealing with the same issues, but its really interesting to be able to read everyone's perspectives and build a more balanced view of the issue myself". i plan on doing a minimum of one a week, but i want to try to be more thoughtful in what i post. lighthearted stuff is fine, but i dont want to write because i have to, rather because i want to.
fifteen thousand steps a day | maybe walking is my new addiction. i just love to walk and wander around my neighborhood, grab a coffee, and sit on a bench for a bit. i don't think about anything in particular, maybe ill plan out a blog post, or think about a book, or just listen to music. i averaged ten thousand steps a day last year, so for this next year, i want to bump it up to fifteen thousand. this is the equivalent of two good walks around my neighborhood, which i think i can make the time for. i was able to do around fourteen thousand a day for october and november, then i got sick and dropped down to eleven thousand since then.
anyways, i leave behind this quote in the face of my new resolutions:
life is supposed to be a pleasurable experience, not this torment, you know?