thunder only happens when it's raining.
i cant really say all that much for what went on this week. the hard conversation i was prepared for went as expected. i was told that my blog helped someone important to me these past three months learn about me better than the dates we spent together did. it did hurt a tad to hear. there's an inherent fear in most of my relationships, romantic or not, and that is of intimacy. i've shared this sentiment with many people. hell, i've even cried over rice noodles at this exact topic.
it sucks to admit but my walls are high. of course, i can sit here and justify why they are there, i've been hurt in the past, and the thought of leaving myself vulnerable like that again leads me to put them up. hell. at times it feels like i've put walls up between my own self too. i deny myself certain portions of myself because they become weapons i can attack myself with... but that's not really helpful to think about in this context.
it would be lovely to imagine someone climbing over all these walls but i think that's too much to ask of others. people are only really willing to go as far as you do for them. maybe ill find someone one day with who i can scale walls in tandem.
even if someone were to climb all these walls, would they even find what's inside worthwhile of their time? i often fawn over virvel's kao na primer when i feel this way. sometimes i think the song was written just for me, with it's four lines encapsulating my entire life. of course, lyrics in serbian hit a million times harder for me, and my straightforward translation does zero justice, but fuck... the lyrics are so good.
Ako ti kažem sve ono što mislim , Hoćeš li me tad razumeti?
Ako ti otkrijem svoje tajne, Hoćeš li tad shvatiti?
Jer ako ti pokažem i drugu stranu, Hoćeš li tad prepoznati?
Ako ti kažem koliko mi značiš, Hoćeš li sa mnom ostati?
If i tell you all im thinking about, will you understand me?
If i reveal all my secrets to you, will you get them?
But if i show you my other side, will you recognize it?
If i tell you how much you mean to me, will you stay with me?
i can't force myself to be intimate with people for the sake of being intimate, i still am of the belief that it should come with the time you spend physically with a person. i think feeling that i needed to rush revealing things about myself ultimately just led to more dissatisfaction on my part, culminating in me calling it quits with this person. i don't hold any resentment, but rather that type of relationship building isn't what i want. nobody wants a fifty page lore drop in a story. in similar fashion, we should afford a bit of nuance to the other party.