there is a different form the intensity takes
i listened to car seat headrest alot as a late teenager. twin fantasy was always my comfort album and ive talked about the album a bit in a previous post. however, i took a walk while listening to high to death, and at the end i kept reminiscing over the voicemail that follows the song. it comes from hojin stella jung, the artist of the album's cover art, and in the voicemail, she talks the process about creating her art collection titled the the lady.
i am not an artist, nor do i know enough about the technical details of artistry to comment on her pieces with an opinion that shouldnt be taken with a poundful of salt. but one thing i can say is that the paintings are beautiful. i cant speak from jungs perspective but from my point of view they tell the daunting nature of human life, with the later 4 pieces being a true nod to how we suffer.
looking at them now, daunted one and two illustrate a red figure , cornered by a black and red line, horizontal and vertical respectively, with a red torso illustrated balancing on the black horizontal line. daunted one looks as if the torso has dragged its head against a wall, leaving a black and blue stain across the wall. while daunted two has the torso standing, with these blue and black paint strokes coming from its head. i simply just fuck with her work, its cool.
its a beautiful collection, and i would recommend you check it out. but thats not why im here today. i want to talk about the voicemail jung leaves at the end of high to death.
Hello, my name is Hojin Stella Jung, I'm a senior at McQueen High School, my portfolio is a collection of paintings - that was created during last summer, and the first half of my senior year, and it's called "The Lady", and I didn't feel very well when I painted the first, and I didn't feel very well when I painted the last. It was intense, it was an intense process, and it was how I was trying to - very hard, personify that intensity, but it's hard to talk about her now, because I think she wasn't me, at least that's how I feel and I'm trying to figure out what to do now
But she represents fervor in woman, she is powerful, yet fragile, she dares but also averts her gaze, and I love her, at least - I did, and - but now I feel lost, and I'm unsure of what to think and feel most of the time
But I did believe in her, "The Lady", and maybe, there is a different form now that the intensity takes
as humans, i think there is some natural precedent to change, especially in these formative years of young adulthood. we go through things, we experience amazing and beautiful events, but also experience terrible and destructive events. there are sayings that point to humans being a cumulation of their experiences rather than their conditions. people who live rich and fulfilling lives might not be the best off materially, and without loss of generality, people who live subjectively unsatisfying lives might be decently off materially. i can see how all of these
and this is where the intensity takes a different form. i feel as though i have lost some portion of myself along the years, and i fear ill never come back to the origin. its something i cant quite put into words, but its an ever present feeling ive been experiencing since ive become what the world at large perceives as a young adult. in my old blog posts, ones ive deleted, ive talked about this feeling of missingness, and i describe it as a sort of heavy weight on my chest.
as ive settled with what the world has given me, ive lost some thing along the way that was so crucial to me that now, im unable to picture myself as who i was before, as if they are a completely different person. in my eyes, i see myself the day, the week, the month, the years before as a completely different individual to who i am today. the random, multi dimensional walk i go on has no chance of returning to its origin.
my dad tells me i live in my own head most days. and i can agree with his thinking. i find myself often having these intense discussions with my inner self, whether theyre beneficial or not, thats another question. i find that ill even mutter words, or convey expressions as i go through these discussions. i cant really say when this started. its as if all this intensity has settled in my chest and taken root in my inner dialogues.
whatever, all i want to say in the end is that i have changed. i am not who i was. car seat headrest for life
