the f word
i've always had complicated and mixed opinions about people saying faggot to others or calling things gay. i always set the hard line that i never liked being called that (in a negative connotation of course), irrespective of the situation, however at times, i think a light hearted joke using those words isn't bad. at least from my eyes, i see me having these complicated feelings about it as a sign that maybe i don't like the word at all. maybe its an overall sign of the complicated relationship i have with myself, but whatever.
i'm not one to sit here to dictate what people should say, say what you want, you're your own person. however i don't think i should have to tolerate disrespectful words towards me, regardless of the situation or how long i've known you. take for example, the reason why i was motivated to write this; i had shown one of my friends the cute little knuckle ring i had bought at the second hand store and in response she told me i was "such a faggot". i dont know man, hearing this so explicitly, especially from someone i've known for two years hurt a bit. i asked her to repeat herself and she had reworded herself to say the ring was "so gay" but tomatoe tomato, the meaning was all the same.
part of the blame i think lies on me for keeping this person around me for so long. i've never specifically thought of her as someone i was very close with, or someone i'd hang out with outside of lectures, but we share a common space and had a seemingly good relationship either way. i would've at least expected a bit of respect from her... looking back in the past, i do partially regret having told her so much. shes has made similar comments like this in the past... part of me wants to say "whatever" and forgo any confrontation, but part of me realizes that allowing that kind of behaviour around me does me no good. i tolerated that type of behaviour for a long time but i've only really come to the realization now that it did really affect how i viewed myself as i grew up.
anyways, the exam for the class we are in is on tuesday, and i don't plan to see her afterwards. i dont want to sit here and villainize her, because i dont think the comments she's made up till now come from any sort of malicious intent, but rather i feel as though she had put this label of me being a "faggot" and that label has come to supersede the rest of me. i'll be honest, i do think it's a shitty thing of me to let the friendship fizzle out, but i do think that it ultimately comes out to be less perilous for me than if i sit here and tell her how i feel. people have made these types of comments my whole life... and i think that my response to these types of situations has tempered out, its unfortunate but i am still tired of having to deal with it