više manje zauvek

strings hold me together while the slightest prick of a thorn unravels me

i am not a going out person. i cant bear to take myself out of my bed on a friday. ive finished work for the day, done my steps, gotten something to eat, and taken my magnesium pills. its 7pm, im at peace. the older i get, the more i realize how quickly a day, let alone a week, can pass by. if you think about it, we live an average of 80 years, and theres 51 weeks in a year... 0.0245% of my life has passed by and i cant recall a single thing that has happened in that period though. i vaguely remember participating in a work hackathon, seeing friends, but none of it feels like it really happened. it all came and went so quick. i feel as though ive been left in the dust by the watch hands.

maybe the feeling of burnout has turned into something deeper. i have the type of tiredness that transcends the soreness of my legs or the pain in my ribs, it has seeped into me, and nothing i do can extract this from my bones. it feels at times like i am running my hand through a bush of rose thorns, and i feel like each thorn that pricks me unleashes so many emotions from me.

i dont think ive been giving myself enough time to sit and ponder quite honestly. i find myself playing music at every moment of the day and it would seem that my mood is exacerbated by whatever im playing at the time. i know that this phenomena is real, but i never noticed it occuring to me up till today. on monday, i had told someone i knew about the song i would describe as my current life track: *kao na primer - virvel". i continued listening to it for two days up until thursday. at that point, i had already been sent into a mild crisis. we ball regardless.

one thing im looking forward to is the winter break. i need the break so bad... i was considering buying a dumb phone, or taking an old phone with me to portugal in an effort to push me to avoid technology for the month. i havent been using my phone all that often to begin, rather, the thought of just being unconnected for a while seems so appealing to me. it can be thought of as the digital age equivalent of living off the land . i often muse to others how i hope to one day move back to the village my grandfather lived in, live in his house, tend to the field, the garden, and the bees. i plan on getting some well needed rest, but also living a bit. its been some time since ive truly lived, ill make the 0.0735% of my life count.