something to say
for a long time i think ive considered myself some who would forever stay single. maybe willingly or unwillingly, ive been used to doing things on my own, living in a sort of emotional solitude. i have people in my life of course, my parents, friends, coworkers, that allow me to avoid the social solitude. i have people i can socialize with in a sense, but its rare that i have people that i go deeper with.
despite this, i wouldnt charecterize myself as a lonely person though, even though the modern age wants to label me as such, i am somewhat okay with my solitude. through my solitude i think i have learnt more about myself then ever before, teachings that i still hold to myself currently. i don't think would trade it for the opposite.
in terms of relationships and stuff, shit. I was 19 dating an almost 30 year old, and we were on the same stages of life, both finishing university. i look back at the almost 2 months or so that i spent with him and realize how stupid I was. I thought so little of myself that i allowed myself to fall into that whirlpool of a relationship. there wasen't anything particularly bad about it, but i clinged on and relyed on this person too much. i was still a kid. i was still naive about the world, not really sure what i wanted with myself, let alone a partner.
in terms of partners, i don't know what i concretely want until i find it myself. idealy i want some who bear with me (who doesnt want this?). bear with me while i metamorphisize each day. someone who would rather live as a slow burn than an intense blaze. i want to be loved, as fundamental as that. ive been admired, cherished, liked, crushed on, but never loved. you might be asking "oh aco, how do you know you have never been loved?! what about your parents? or your friends?" and to that i say that i have never shown those two groups my true self.
the self that replays past scenarios in my head, that intensely analyses others, the self that wishes to be told that everything will be okay, the one that wishes to burn down the curtains blocking himself from the world. insecure kid.
im of the belief these days that you don't need a relationship to fill this need to be loved. i have people in my life that i love, that i regard as a chosen family in a sense. people that i've shared a piece of myself with, who carry me in their heart regardless of my status in the world. ones who share the memory of me in their heads and me of theirs. people who have come to a mutual understanding, of me to them and them of me. even though i dont see these people for a long time, i know that i exist with them, and that is enough. i don't ask to be worshipped or loved, i ask to be remembered, to exist as a part of the world, regardless of my form.
ultimately, i write all this as sort of a reflection on myself. i don't know if its coherent, nor will i try to go back and read it again.