small steps to happiness.
i moved out of my parents house almost 4 months ago now. looking back on it, its been weird experience, however oddly calming. i told myself back in may that this was the first year i finally began to feel like an adult, having managed to swindle myself into a new career path, travel to a completely new continent, experience summer time trips with my beautiful boyfriend, but i will say that today i feel the most "adult" that i've ever been, sitting here with an americano in my le creuset mug i bought off facebook market place for 10$, writing this while i wait for my laundry to finish drying.
i don't think i handle being sloth very well, when friends come over, i am always up and about, cleaning the kitchen, preparing food, picking up pieces of lint off the couch. likewise, i really struggle not having something to work towards. my skip-level at work has an hour meeting booked with me on thursday to discuss my career, he describes me as someone with tremendous potential, and while it's nice to hear it from someone i think so technically highly of, i feel like there is nobody that i can look towards becoming like and learning from, and in the process, i feel a bit isolated. my retention bonus comes in june, and in my head, i expect that i'll probably be ready to jump ship somewhere else by then unless i know a clear path to getting senior. i earn my keep, but it would be nice to earn more, to work on more technically challenging problems, to work towards a fixed goal or project, to develop and learn more. i mean a career is at minimum 20 years of my life, despite what popular culture will say, i want to be fulfilled at the least during this time.
my relationship is approaching the one year mark. this is the first time celebrating something like this and with a man so incredible that every time i see him my spirits lift like a rocket leaving earth. it sounds dumb but sometimes being together overwhelms me and makes me emotional and i start to cry, it feels like every moment with him i am learning that what i thought was impossible actually is possible, that i could be cared for the way i needed. i grieve for all the years i spent without knowing it and relish that i have the rest to live with it.
fuck, now i'm crying having written all this. i don't know, my life is like gradient descent, every day i manage to reach closer to an ideal version of my life, even if i don't know what it is yet, i know at least that i can make some update and reach towards the next locally optimal solution.