slaying the dragon and being okay with it
i finished the last exam of my undergraduate degree this tuesday. just a random tuesday afternoon... i studied in the hallway outside the classroom for two hours prior to the exam, banged out two of the six questions on the exam i actually understood, and left. it's a weird feeling quite honestly... i often refer to finishing the big steps in my life as slaying dragons. the university dragon was on it's knees after a four year fight, he's in pain, he's screaming, and this exam was the last blow i needed... figuratively, the dragon is dead. i've killed him. all that's left is to collect his horns and tout them around to my loved ones.
i've spoken before on this blog about the feeling of accomplishing things and the question of "what's next?". not to reiterate what i've already said, but i've always struggled with feeling satisfied after accomplishing things. i've been in a sprint for what feels like the past four years, research, work, life events, my degree. now that its all come to a close, i don't feel as uncertain as i thought i would've felt. my friends and people close to me often talk about the post-degree depression they've felt after finishing things, and i get it, however, i haven't found myself feeling this way (yet?). yes, i feel relief, but i don't sense the empty gap of where my schooling used to lie. oddly enough, i feel just okay after slaying the dragon.
work of course does fill this gap a slight bit. it's oddly been enjoyable and i think i've both become more mature with working and am not feeling that imposter syndrome i felt a few months ago. it's nice knowing i have a bit of a niche within my team, it brings me a sense of belonging. the people are nice too, and it feels good being told by my manager that i'm doing well. i struggle often with receiving praise, but i'm slowly learning how to accept it, remain a bit humble, and not let it get too ingrained in my head. writing all this and reading it over, i can see how this post can come across as a bit cocky, but i promise you all, its a sense of overall pride in myself that i feel instead.
maybe all of this comes with being older... i don't know. i listened to puberty 2 by mitski on a midnight walk a few days ago. gosh this was my 2018 and 2019 depression album, and i mean it still is. however, coming back to it as a slightly more robust and formed person, it hits differently. i see these past pieces of myself in songs like i bet on losing dogs and fireworks and i cant help but feel a bit pitiful of my teenage self. i was seventeen and relating to these songs about fossilized senses of depression... while the feelings i felt were and continue to be valid, gosh... i wish i would have know that it would all come to be okay in the end. that i'd be okay one day. all my writing on this blog feels as though its been leading up to to fact that im doing okay. everything is fine.