više manje zauvek

one, two, then three.

what a week. it wasent particularly a bad one, but a very monotonous one. i feel as though i have met this new season tumbling. and albeit very fast.

i started my new internship on tuesday (wooot!). the first day was not all that interesting, i met my mentor and another team member at the office. it is a very nice office, a huge change from my previous one last year. it has a high ceiling, adjustable desks, and large windows. i get a nice south facing view in our section of the office. i don't think ill be going all that often, maximum once of twice weekly given i am downtown during those times for my classes. my team seems very fun, they seem like proper people and not some coorporate robots. there is some sembelance of a team within them, regardless of my mentor referring to them as introverts.

onto the monotonous part... i still have no systems access. i cannot even onboard and it has been eating me alive. i was really excited to start working on my specific project because it seemed fairly interesting to me, however even though my manager has approved my permissions, the system fails to grant the request. in a nutshell, i have done practically 0 work the whole week, but felt 100% guilty for it. im the type of person that dislikes being a hinderance to others, and further i massively dislike being perceived as nuisance by others. maybe it stems back to my childhood, or maybe it is just a naturally human thing. even though my coworkers were really understanding (and now that i look back at it, they probably didnt even care), i felt like a nuisance to them, it gave me a nice bit of stress through the week. i'm hoping to get access to everything tommorow when i go in (i am writing this on a sunday) and start doing my onboarding things so i can jump right into work.

i am going to try to bust my ass this term, mainly cause i want a return offer but also because i like doing work that i find interesting. i'm applying to one of the new grad positions later this month, and turns out the hiring manager is my manager at my last term. he was really happy with my performance last term and i recall him even saying he'd hire me if i was graduating. i sent him a message the second day on the job and just told him the new grad roles seemed interesting, and now i have a meeting with him on thursday!!!

i'm still a tad on the fence about pursuing industry over a masters, but i realize now that it's impractical to keep both routes open. i recall this one dude online saying something along the lines of "keeping doors open in the present will actually end up closing more down the future". i think for a long time during my degree, i kept my prospects open. now that i grow older, i think i have a bit of a sense with what i want in my life. i want freedom. i want to be able to do the things i love without worrying about one of the biggest restrictions in our generation: money. i want to eventually move out of my parents apartment, but at the same time, i need money to do so. i dont think grad school will offer me the freedom i need currently. i'm not saying i wont do it ever, but i don't think its a smart thing for me to rush into something without trying out my options. hell, maybe i hate working for an insurance company and quit halfway through the contract, so what? atleast then i would know what i don't want to do as a career.

anyways, that was some rambling. trying to stay consistent with writing and reading but my phone has been a distraction to me (ive been spamming webtoons ): ). side note i also finished another book today!!! a hero of our time by lermontov, very existentialist, gives camus' stranger vibes. i like the book, think i might do a reread after my next choice.