on the why.
my email i specifically made for this blog has been sitting empty for a month up till now. but this week i started getting emails!!! wow, it is just such a surprise. i had posts up since april but i never realized that you could go public up until august. i archived most of them since then. ive always sort of been okay with sending my thoughts out into the void. so imagine my surprise when i checked my email and saw two emails from people whose writing ive actually read and who i think are just such cool people in general
anyways, that brings me to the crux of this post. why am i writing?. what truly motivates me to be blogging at this hour when i should be asleep. ive taken my magnesium i should go soon. ill make it quick
at the beginning, it was a diary. i carried one with me before and on my trip to europe and back home. i found myself actually writing in it quite often. i was going through it at the time bear in mind, which had motivated me to put all my troublesome thoughts into pen and paper. i haven't read the diary in a few months, mainly because i dont think there is worth in revisiting the way i was feeling at the time. i am over it for the most part. i cant see myself writing in a diary again, something about engraving my thoughts into physical matter gives them an eerie permanence.
i had stickers on my diary too. i had also collected some post cards to stick inside between the shitty jumbled writing. i consider myself someone with nice handwriting, but the 0.25cm dotted margins just led my hands to be cramped after filling the whole page.
throughout this time, i treated writing at the time as a cathartic activity. something that was really just meant for me to bitch and moan about my life. im not saying i dont do that now, but ive come to realize that writing is much more. if you write with this escapist/cathartic/whatever intent, youll never end up actually liking it. i wont say i even love writing now, but i know that the intent you write with is most important of all.
maybe i just enjoy having a place to put my words? maybe its that that simple? i struggle to put my thoughts into spoken words sometimes. i will get hit with this big brain fog where words just come out my mouth faster than i can process, and if its someone i dont know well i end up just confusing them. i am very envious of people who are well spoken, so now that i have the chance to note down what im thinking, i can also take the time to rewrite things until i convey the meaning i want to. its as if im roleplaying being well (okay, maybe just decently spoken) spoken to the void. so what if i confuse you?
i dont think i can sit and philosophize for more than a paragraph. its too tough. kudos to the people that can, but for me im at my limit. i can just be light hearted and simple with it and that is satisfying for me. whats important to me is that im writing for the sake of sticking to something, as a trophy of my will power to write often even when i feel tired, but also to refrain from writing too much in times of excitement and turmoil.
whatever. here is a nice sunset i took yesterday that i wanted to put into the post but then didnt. bye