on the hinge of something new
i've always had a mixed opinion about dating apps. i know people who use them, ive used them myself, and i know people who stand vehemnetly against them. in the modern age, one where truthfully, new connections and bond are tough to form, i can understand why some opt to this experience. now that ive spent the past two years more busy than ever, i get the appeal. modern media has taught us that all of us need to have some grand moment in our lives, where we are swept up by our significant others, fall deeply in love, and live happy lives. its a fantasy, one that all of us secretly aim to fulfill, conciously or subconciously. in my eyes, i cant imagine a single person who would object to this type of story, its almost as if both our physiological and social senses require that we seek this.
i hate being asked the question "have you found anyone yet?". it always feels as though im being put in a spotlight. for the past year, ive sort of put off seeing anyone, and when i say this, im more often than not met with a "ahh, dont worry youll find someone!" and then a blank stare. this feeling greatly intensifies when i go to talk to my family members, who do not know i go both ways. most times i meet "why dont you have a girlfriend yet?" with "im too busy" or "theres someone i like, im just shy" and im left alone. its a bit shameful to be honest. im not embarased that im single, im pretty okay with it. whats so bad about it? why do i feel this intense pressure to find someone, even when i havent see myself as being ready for it?
i look back at my past experiences on dating apps and i loathe them. not only was it a developmentally awkward time for me as a young adult, but combining that with the stress of needing to hurry up and find someone only led me to seek people that were not good for me. ill be honest, the last relationship i was in sucked, like bad. i look back at it now like its whatever, and i can honestly say that i learnt alot about what i dont want from someone, but was that really the best thing i could have been doing at that time? i try not to live my life with regrets but its hard for me to not see that time as regret. i regret being so naive, and i regret letting myself fall so hard for someone who treated me so perversely.
anyways, as of recent and of writing this post, i have a date off hinge, or very highly potentially a date. i dislike texting, like alot, so having the oppourtunity to go out for a date excites me. i dont want to overcomplicate nor overthink it and im glad this guy thinks of it the same way. will try my best and live by the rules lauryn hill has taught me about being my authentic self to others. :p