off the record
it's been a busy few days to be fair, i'm so sorry you lot haven't been hearing from me. maybe it's because i have gotten used to being outside of the house all day that now i refuse to sit in my room for more than an hour (other than when i sleep). even with this shitty rainy weather, i find myself throwing on the same pair of jeans i've been wearing for the past month and jacket and going on little strolls. my regular route has me walking up a fairly relaxed hill. its easier to walk late at night, the fog drops, it becomes a bit easier to breathe, and the silent hill-esque ambience helps me make short work of the hill. i can't make many excuses for not writing, i was just living life and had nothing really pertinent i wanted to write about.
i considered writing a bit about gift giving coming from the perspective of someone (me) who shows love through gift giving itself and whose birthday just passed, but nothing really came out of that. i got some very cute gifts and thoughtful cards from some of my friends, which made me very happy and loved, which i haven't felt in a long time. i struggle with vocalizing how much i love people, so i opt to give things to them instead. i gave out a few cards to some good friends for the new year. i did the same thing last year, but this year it felt like i truly meant what i had written in those cards. not to gas myself up, but i was really happy with the end results and my friends seemed to like the gestures. i don't think gift giving should even be subjected to special occasions either. i used to be embarrassed about it, and especially about doing it with my male friends (need to unpack this one day), but i realize that people deserve to know how much i enjoy their presence regardless of the day, either with a card, or a pin, or a pastry, or whatever. i think in general, i've started being the type of person who wears their heart on their sleeve, my little gift giving tendencies are a part of that.
my little death to the machine post sparked a bit of creative thought on my walks this week. maybe i seem insane but i was envisioning some kind of horizon zero environment (without the mecha dinosaurs/animals) where humanity has been pretty much devastated by some big disaster and returned to this weird techno-primitive state. maybe the big grimes core lies in some sort of ancient ruin, and when someone comes to touch it, the dragons circling the core envelop them and absorb them in the core itself. the core incorporates the intelligence of the individual into itself and also uses all that matter from the body to reinforce the circuits that lie withing it. i dont know, i subsequently fell down the horizon zero, alien, and dune lore pits and it was fun imagining this new foreign world based on some weird idea i bumbled about on a blog post. i've always been a bit of a sci fi enjoyer, and i love franchises with super deep lore that transcends the games themselves, i want to refine this concept a bit further.
i also did my highway test today for the final level of my licence. tl;dr i did an "unsafe" lane change and failed, that was my only mess up. i'm not particularly mad about it, i more care about having a piece of id rather than being able to drive itself. i had a small moment after the examiner left my car where i wanted to cry, but my dad entered the car shortly after and we drove back in silence. it is what it is, at the end of the day, i know that the test doesn't mean anything significant to me or how i perceive myself. my next test is in february, so that'll be my last chance to pass before i have to go through the licence process from the start again and spend a shit load of money on those tests.
anyways, good night my friends. i think i will try a post or two before i leave for portugal. i don't think i will post regularly since i'll be away from my laptop, so if i do update, it will be small. i plan to bring my journal though, which should prove insightful.