my relationship with taking photos
as much as i write about being my mother's son, the one thing i've never been able to mirror is her love for photo-taking. at times, it gets on my nerves how persistent she is in the act, sticking her samsung with a leather fold case in my face in order to capture another photo that i can't be bothered to ever ask to see. where i remember moments in hoarding shared candy wrappers, the paper sleeve of coffee cups, and postcards of the places i've been, she finds comfort in the oddly pixeled and blurry photos of her life.
as much as i tell myself i like to take sights in by eye, it's hard to keep them on my mind for long. i replace old memories, sights, and conversations with new ones, until all i have to remember them by is a single feeling each. sitting on a bench at sunset, i feel the warmth coming from all the other places i've seen the same. the tile i keep in my room reminds me of the tile murals in porto, though i can't bring myself to picture them clearly. a head on my chest bring memories back of past lovers. my memories come to me in hot flashes, as if the sickness itself is being forced to remember what i had forgotten.
from the age of sixteen to about nineteen, i didn't take many photos of anything. it was only yesterday that i had dug through my computer and found my folder with an icloud backup in which i was able to see photos i had long erased from my memory; photos of my cousins and i with our grandparents, family gatherings from back when my dad and uncle were on speaking terms, photos of me with jet black hair covering my face. in some sense, these snapshots of my memories hold more weight to me than any one of the thousand pictures my mom would have taken during that time. something about a thoughtful family photo or a sneakily taken candid of a friend holds so much more weight to me when i go back to look at them. at times, my moms inclination to take photos feels like abuse of a well intentioned technology. as beautiful as her intentions are, maybe not everything needs to be captured, maybe some moments can be left to fade to feelings.