moon flower
i went on a date on thursday. we had planned for me to come walk over and pick him up from the hospital he worked at, then we would walk to a cafe, sit for a bit, then id walk him home. he was 23 and objectively cute. he had glasses and reminded me of one of those pinterest style pics that i constantly pin on my board.
i realize that texting normally leads me to create narratives in my head about the other party, even when i havent met them yet, so i try to avoid texting as much as possible in the first few days. i find i also come off differently when i write versus when i speak. i dont want to say that i didnt want to deceive him, but rather, i didnt want for him to only know this singular, written, side to me. after figuring out he wasent crazy, we both came to the conclusion that we wanted to meet, and we set a time to meet. as simple as that.
quite honestly, i thought that he was going to cancel last minute. i texted him an hour before my workday ended just to make sure the plans were still on. after seeing my message still wasent read after 30 minutes, i had sent one of my friends a message if he wanted to walk home. thankfully the guy responded, and i found myself in the work bathroom brushing my teeth and washing my face quickly in an effort not to be late
it was a cute date, i dont really have complaints. we had the same coffee order, and i insisted on paying but he insisted more and ended up paying the 10$ for both our drinks. we talked about movies, a bit about where we were from, our own life habits. there was touching and stuff, and he showed me some of his tattoos. he had as many tattoos as i have piercings, which was funny. near the last quarter of the date, he told me he smoked but was trying to quit. i didnt really have a problem with it, my moms whole side of the family is smokers, im neutral on it.
he then went on to tell me how he used to do the espresso-smoke-poop routine and it felt like i was hit by a ten ton brick. my friends, what am i supposed to say or make conversation with after my date has told me his shitting habits? we left the cafe shortly after that, making some small talk. on my end i was exhausted to begin with, and i had already made some significant conversation, so i was beginning to clock out.
we got to the front of his building, he hugged me and i hugged him back. he was shorter than me so he sank into my hoodie which was cute. he said he had a fun time and hopes to go again. in the moment, i said yes too.
im still on the fence about love being something you find versus something you cultivate. on one hand, believing love can be found, that it magically will appear in my life, is very idealist, it also brings me a bit of anxiety. i begin to think of it probabilistically, if each person i meet has a x% chance of being my one and only, then by the time i meet N amount of people, there is a y% chance i wouldve met the one. i havent met that many people, so i still have hope, but what about when ive met more? what then?
on the other hand, love being something im supposed to cultivate is more of a pessimistic attitude. i wouldnt meet the person i love, rather id build them up into someone i love, and them vice versa. this requires significant work from my point of view, and if it doesnt work out, then what? im left with all this effort and no reward.
i dont think i felt any spark between the two of us, he was nice and cute, but looking back at it know, i dont think i could sit and make the effort to cultivate love for him. ontop of being exhausted all the fucking time, i feel like i am whole as i am now, and i didnt get the feeling that he was. looking back at it know, being with him would be the equivalent of knowing a tsunami is coming on the horizon and doing nothing about it
maybe i am just a hater, but i have my own evaluations of others informed by the way they act. the older i get the more this sense grows, and the more i aim to be indescribable. i am like a moon flower, only revealing myself to the close eye in the light of the moon.
speaking on moonflowers, here is the song i played while writing this.