money is tight
this year has been the first year where i've felt like an adult. it's an odd feeling. i'm twenty-two going on to twenty-three, and when i look around to my peers, some just graduated last week, some are currently on trips with funds that i don't dare ask the source of, some have completely resigned from working, and then there's me, whose every step turns in a stumble on imaginary path. i told myself at the beginning of the year that i wanted to move out. part of me really feels restricted living at home. even though my parents have given me a lot more freedom since i graduated, i feel awkward and almost adolescent having to return home after a night out. i want more control over my life and the space i surround myself with.
part of my checklist on moving out requires me to figure out the money situation. i hate thinking about it, let alone talking about it, but toronto is really expensive and while my parents have offered to help if i ever wanted to buy, part of me cannot bear to be even conceptually indebted to them - since i was sixteen all i've ever needed was earned largely by me. around the time i switched over to my new team a few months ago, i was chasing a promotion, and i got it after a lot of pushing on my part, but after talking to one of my work-friends, i was told to expect a really low raise (five percent...).
i've written about how much crap my job put me through last year. i don't hate it in any capacity, the environment is one that i really strive in, but i don't think i'm fulfilled financially. part of me tends to put my trust into my managers, but i've been realizing as i work more and more that it's always been a one man game, and that the one man is me. this whole raise situation was my black pill moment for me, and i think going forward my trust is really low.
i think i've managed to work it out to the best extent i could. i interviewed around a bit before i got my promotion and was able to get a really nice offer together. i accepted it, passed all the background checks, and told my manager yesterday, to which i received a counteroffer on the same day to go work in my old department in my old team. i'll say it again, as much as the people/work can sometimes stress me out, i'm really good at what i do, and it stimulates me enough mentally. now that i am getting paid more, i think that this feeling of contempt has settled and i can put my focus back towards moving out.
my boyfriend and i visited montreal for a few days last week, while i was in the middle of figuring out all this job crap. so between all the little moments of anxiety, these pangs of good news have given me, and more over, us, a reason to celebrate. part of me still struggles with being proud when good things happen to me, i feel like i don't deserve them, despite working very hard - part of it comes from a very high self expectation, and another part from the expectations set out by my parents, but for what? i don't know. i'm glad i now have people with me that i feel secure sharing good news with, i don't think anything i've done so far could have been done without a listening ear from a loved one. i can only hope im providing the same to them.