maybe im just friends with myself?
spotify wrapped season is coming soon. reviews at work coming up. another month of being twenty one. i'll be officially twenty-two soon and all i can think about is how i feel like i did not use this year as much as i could've. in hindsight, i think there were many notable moments, but overall, i don't feel as fulfilled by the year as i thought i would have been. adult life is simply put, tough, and i've spent countless hours asking myself what it is i truly want next. quite frankly, i still don't know what i want, and it's incredibly frustrating at times.
i've talked about this in prior posts, but i've been known to make myself sick with the question of "what's next?". as long as i've been in a very structured environment like the one traditional schooling provided, my mind has told me that every single life event has been for the purpose of opening a door to another event, and so on, and so on. i finished high school, did my four years of university, killed it, got an internship, interned again, got hired full-time, and now that i've finally left that environment, i don't know what to do with myself. prior to starting fulltime, my manager had told me that i didn't seem to give much thought to the future. in her words, i focus too much on the present. as much as i hate personal conversations like these, i gave a lot of weight to what she said. in this, albeit incredibly tough but terribly rewarding year, i've gone from caring so much about the future to now almost completely neglecting it. it's a weird feeling, i need to put some thought into my future.
i confessed to some friends yesterday that i've started feeling my emotions more intensely than ever before. i feel like for the first time in a long time, i can feel happy, elated, excited, nervous, whatever, without some consciousness within me telling me that i have no reason to feel these emotions, i don't need it to be warranted. to be honest though, i've been smoking alot these past few months. i have two childhood friends who live close by and like to call me out at midnight to go make laps around our neighborhood. often one of us has loud, another brings beers, sometimes snacks too, and we make a good time out of it. i'm really glad i started getting closer with them, i've come to really value my relationship with them, we talk about all sorts of things and its a friendship i never knew i needed. before turning twenty-one, i told myself i would limit the amount of weed i smoked, i found it to be more of an escape than anything. i've come to have a different opinion on it now, and while i don't want to attribute to just the loud, i feel as though i become more aware of myself when i get fried (i sound like a tweaker, im sorry, but bear with me), and that awareness has now expanded to my sober state. in a therapeutic way, it helped me realize the extent to which i limit myself and my feelings, i've opened the blinds... in tandem with this, i've been thinking of therapy recently. outdatedly, i always thought that seeking help signaled that something was seriously wrong with you. i've changed my mind on this after these eleven months, and i think that i should sit down and talk with a professional (i know, shocker...). i have things that i need to work through, and it's not an indication that i'm flawed, but rather a realization i came to after having lifted these blinds. maybe i'm just friends with myself and that's why.