little big small foot
hello hello :) long time no talk my friends. it feels like every single time i blog i include an apology for not posting more frequently. life is difficult and tumultuous... no more apologies from now on, just acknowledgements. after catching up with the last few posts on the discover page, i have some inclination to come here and talk a bit, give some reflections on my life as of late.
i don't want to sit here and bitch about my life, because quiet honestly, it only makes me feel worse about it. the last month of my life has mostly been dedicated to working and doing my thesis. both of which make me feel quite odd. i mean i'm not behind in schedule, nor am i doing poorly, but i'm actually suffering from success. i did too much the first few weeks, and now my manager seems to have this inflated sense of my abilities. i don't mind having my part time work week completely allocated to working, and a lot of the work is just me coding... but i've never liked being held on a pedestal. it feels like it'll all come crashing down once i exhale, so i move along with my lungs pushed against my ribs. my manager keeps pushing me to go fulltime once i graduate in april, but i told her quite honestly that it isn't happening. i won't be starting fulltime until september. i need time to lie in a field for a bit and rest, i need a break from the world, i need to wake up in the mornings and sit outside on the porch with my grandmother and have a cigarette and coffee with her, i need to i need a summer where i'm not killing myself over things that objectively dont matter.
in general, i've been a bit disconnected from things. i meet with one of my childhood friends a few times a week around midnight to ball up and talk life. its become a bit of a routine, however i often go back home feeling a bit unsatisfied with life. she's someone who lives life very differently than me. she tells me stories of how she went out and had a fun time, or about some random story that happened in her day, or the weird show shes watching, and i feel a bit of jealousy for not having a stride closer to hers. she seems to not care in a different way than i do. i've exhausted all my care, while she doesn't seem to need it. i chose a very stable life it seems, and now that its been said or done, i feel a bit unhappy with it all, i envy her attitude towards anything.
this semester has hit me with a wave of unsatisfaction that im not sure is a change of tide or a momentary disruption in the water level. everyone around me is experiencing some form of quarter life crisis. on my end, i can't really picture concretely what i want anymore. maybe i've never been able to do so in the first place. of course, i can go on the deep end of stoicism and say fuck all to these feelings, but i've never been one for that. my goals for the past few months have just been to be a decent person and live a life. i cant name all that much outside of it. the lack of some kind of quantifiable goal seems to be the main motivator for this unsatisfaction. for most of my life its been working to wards something, and now that i dont have that, what am i?