its joever
hi everyone, didn't write for a few days, been in a weird place, but thats for a blog post when things get worse. small update about some changes in my life / personal opinions
i think we live in a state nowadays where substance use is heavily normaliezd. practically everyone along the streets we can find ads for vapes, cigarettes, alcohol, weed, (even mushrooms now in toronto). i have my personal opinions aganist it, i don't hate substance use, but i think that the times in my life that i have defaulted to them, my life was not going that well. the dab pen is another story. i feel like ever since i discovered it existed in my drawer about 2 years ago. i would be in this cycle where id get really high late at night, sleep, wake up at 2pm, and restart. i dont think it is a healthy habit. the feeling of being high is okay, but the fact that i was using it to supress my feelings and go numb (nonverbal) for a bit is what is scaring me. in the end, it ended with me tossing the pen over the bridge. now i atleast try to be concious in my consumption of these things, a little wont kill me, but alot is not good both physically and mentally.
in other news, i start my intership in a week :D. i am fairly excited. it is at the same company i interned at a year ago, just with a different team. i don't think its going to be doing something i really love, but i can tolerate the work. its really not that bad, i get to do some data science work and kill my free time i would otherwise spend doing nothing. i like the money too of course, and alot of my work motivation is directly tied to the compensation. i get to meet my team on tuesday. my biggest stressor right now is not with the work or the team, but with what im going to wear. ill admit it, i hate anything more preppy than smart casual wear. its like the bane of my existence. i am not a small person with pencil legs, these legs used to carry an obese kid around all the time, the pants become so uncomfortable... i think the first day i will probably rock some wide legged dress pants and a polo or soemthing. keeping it simple. i dont have any polos though, so tommorow i will have to take myself to uniqlo, i just need a cheapesque shirt, nothing too fancy.
to leave the blog off, i have been reading this small book called notes to myself: my struggle to become a person by hugh prather. its a small book with some broken up but oddly connect pieces of writing about essentially the struggle to become a person. one thing that i think i have kept brooding on in the past year is how to be myself. how to live a life in tune with myself and my mind, regardless of life's up or downs. prather gives this cool quote about the topic of being one's self and living an emotional life in spite of the worlds circumstances. he says
" an emotion can be changed, but only to a different emotion. i am always feeling something. many times i have been mired in some tone of life that stretched endlessly on, and any emotion seemed preferable to the dominating one. i discovered that by manipulating circumstances. i could generate anger, infatuation, sadness, excitement, or some other dramatic change in my feelings. yet i was still making my mind an effect of the world and thereby remaining a victim "
i just <3 this quote, it speaks to me in a sense. i think i am getting to the point where i have started rejecting the world. not in a particularly negative way, but being more aloof. i don't wish to know the news, or what people are doing with their lives, what is the big new trend. i realize that i should matter to myself first and foremost, and to follow this thinking is sort of to put aside the world in favor of myself.