indifference
maybe its the mysterious emo kid who carries a genuinely weird vibe to them, or the indifferent punk girl with a really nice sense of style, or the blue haired clone girl that seems disconnected from reality at hand and only serves to fight in a mecha. whatever it is about these characters, they hold some allure within our minds them that makes us point them out in crowds and in social situations. we seem to be naturally drawn to them.
deep down, we all love the idea of indifference. it is like a piece of armor that we hope to wear someday, so our souls end up unscathed through the turbulence of life.
atleast in my experience, ive always wanted to embody these characters, not exactly the moniker of a lone wolf, but rather to be indifferent; indifferent to the world, indifferent to current circumstances, indifferent to myself in a sense. the thought of living a stoic life seemed like a fantasy to me. if i could be indifferent, maybe life would come to mean something for me. i could move on to the next stage of my life, and id deflect any issue that would lay in my way simply with my indifference.
outwardly, ive been told i come off as indifferent to others at time. maybe its the tired and somewhat monotone way that i speak, or maybe its the way my face rests, or the pauses i make midsentence to recollect my words. i dont know how i feel about this. these are things i dont actively try to do, its just the way i am, i live a tiring existence and these are the consequences at times.
however, within me lies a naturally deeply feeling person. its as simple and as straightforward as that. as much as i try to sit and digest this seemingly stoic approach to life, i always fail at it. my emotions are fundamental to who i am and what ive become, putting them aside only serves to put myself aside. ive come to terms with this fact, and quite frankly, i think this way of life better suits me. my sources? my beautiful mind.