i show up to the party just to leave.
any one of my close friends can tell you that i dislike big gatherings of people. its just not something i fare well with. the instinctive need to say something funny so the whole group will laugh, or to act nonchalant in an effort to attract people to talk to, to cling on to a few people, or to just go nonverbal and listen. there never seems to be a right thing to do in a theses situations.
i can sit here and talk about social batteries and what not but instead ill keep it short and simple. big gatherings are less intimate. i find needing to make small talk, asking who is doing what, working where, studying what, is more exhausting than anything else and leaves me feeling decimated after ive made my rounds.
i want to say im a fairly introverted person. i used to be worse before i entered university though. the thought of talking to anyone who i didnt already know personally killed me inside. i chose to walk the path of least resistance, avoiding people is just a single step on that path.
however, once i figured out that most of my university classes were comprised of socially awkward stem majors, i feel like i put a slight step forward in my social skills. i spent first and second year online, so i feel like i had the chance to practice a bit before stepping into the real world. i remember being so scared of talking via voice chat for the first time, and now i cant shut up. all this being said, i can make normal small talk and conversation with my associates and peers, i promise.
anyways, i write this because ive been invited to my childhood friends birthday party tommorrow. she texted me while she was at work if i was free, and i went to visit her and say hi, so she ended up asking me then. i will 100% be going. however i am already predicting that there are going to be people i dont necessarily associate with. people from high school that gave me shit, people i complete stopped talking to, the list goes on.
i dont particularly feel stressed or worried about it, rather i am just slightly dreading having to put on a front to these people that im interested in their lives, because i am simply not. these people serve as memoirs of what is essentially, a past life. these people that i have not seen in years never knew the real me, rather they knew a fake, a deception. to permit them to even take a look at me and draw a conclusion about me seems like a betrayal to myself.
im really glad my friend has invited me though. im excited to pick out a present and write a card. i really love writing cards. she has invited me in the past years too, but i always am happy to receive an invitation again. its a very small gesture but a meaningful one. i often get invited by to other things by people. i mostly default to saying no though. i dont like the feeling of intruding on others, regardless of if the feeling is valid or not. if i was meant to be part of a plan, i would have been asked prior to the plans being made, rather than afterwards. either way, i have respect for the friends that still shoot me an invite, even if its out of courtesy, it feels nice.
probably one of the biggest social developments i had was learning to say no to others when i didnt want to do something. i engraved it so deeply inside me that often my first response in my head is no. sure, some situations require me to push myself and override the natural instinct to say no, but at the same time, in other situations, what need do i have to submit myself to unnecessary discomfort? it does not do me any good. maybe it is a limiting belief to say no to things often, but i find that i live a less worrisome life when i do submit to this belief.
anyways. here is a good song to listen to. good night -