i could not stop wasting time
for the past two weeks, ive been getting home from work or my lectures and the only thing i want to do is sit in my room and either (a) read webtoons and scroll instagram on my phone and occasionally (b) play one or two games of league aram.
i have been ruminating over this quote i read a year ago. for some reason, it popped into my head and has not left me since. when i first recalled this quote, i was a hit with a wave of anxiety and became really concious of how i spent my time.
i finish all the things i needed to for the day, and the last thing i want to do is do all these things i really should be doing and really want to be doing!!! but i keep feeling as though i am wasting time.
its a tough dilemma, and has made me realize ive been putting off doing some pretty important things that i highly value.
instead of going on walks after work when i get home, ive started taking a really long walking route to the next subway and completely skip taking the intercity subway, then take another long walking route from the subway station to home. i get annoyed when my samsung health app tells me im below 10 thousand steps, and the thought of having to get ready and put clothes on to go outside when im already in my home clothes really frustrates me. it was also easier in the summer to go outside in my home clothes. however now that late fall has hit, i really need to layer up. so now, i consider my commute home the easiest way to get my steps in while just debloating after my day. its not really nice to be blending something i really enjoy doing so close in time to something i need to be doing.
i have not opened a phyiscal, hardcopy book this month. which disappoints me. i was halfway through a good one, but i seemingly just couldnt bring myself to read further. no matter how much i though about it, no matter how many times i threw it in my bag, i could not push myself to sit there and focus. i havent completely skimped out on reading, and ive been supplementing it with reading and writing on bearblog, but it isnt the same. i cant explain it, but something about having a notebook or a book in my hand makes what i write and read so much more physical. especially when i write my posts, i like to atleast try to draft what i want to speak about on a piece of paper before letting the keyboard of my laptop take over. for me, reading is something i really should be doing more, i am fairly indifferent to it, but my main motivation in doing it is because i want to learn more and expand my horizons, not exactly because im some nerd with a big love for books. you can read anything and learn from it, physical books are only one form of knowledge, but are what i learn from the most. thats why they hold such high importance with me
my thesis work too!!! even though it is very important to me, ive sort of put my research work on the back burner unfortunately. ive been slowly working on optimizing some bits and rewriting my code to prepare it for publication, but other than that, the thought of needing to open visual studio and actually code just nauseates me. i have done so much, and my methods work! but now that ive reached the final strech, it feels as though ive hit a wall. its like this big beast in a video game, its on that last quarter of health and all i need to do is finish it off. i know ill kick myself in the ass eventually and finish it off eventually, but im having trouble bringing myself too. at least for this, i sort of need to, but its not as urgent, so ive used it as an excuse to spend my time in cafes on my weekends and get out the house.
after some semi heavy thought, i think overall, burnout probably has to do with how im feeling this way. to be honest, its the only reason i can think of. but what can i do right now? my dad tells me ive taken too much on and i agree with him, ive dug myself into this hole for now. i know ill eventually get out of it (literally in december), ive done it before and i can do it now.
the reason why i shutdown when i get home is because i know instinctively that if i push myself further, i wont be able to handle anything. i remember last year i was in a similar situation, and it felt like i could not stop at any moment, and i really did not stop, at all... at least now, my behaviour has changed. ive accepted the situation and rest when i need to. my incessant rest that i perceive as "time wasting" might really just be what i need to holdout for the next few months. i think i do enough already, and whatever else i do after that is extra, not required.
i dont feel like im drowning how i was in september, i feel that im more in a treading water state right now. ive adapted to the current tide. just doing what i need to do is enough for now. ill become a better swimmer soon.