heaven knows im miserable now
i have a spotify playlist that solely contains every smiths, radiohead, the strokes and tame impala song i run across. either i find them through my weekly suggestions or through the new daylist feature, that somehow has spit out a playlist of the title venting upset wednesday evening while writing this post. we get it spotify, you know more about my music tastes and my life than i myself do. just give me more smiths and ill eat it up, you dont have to go through all this effort.
what a boring day. i slept in a bit, woke up and started work at 7 rather than waking up at 5 to commute to the office. i can only do it so many days in a row before i start feeling the effects, no matter how early i wake up. i felt a bit guilty, as i had left one of my colleagues alone in the office today. oh yea, i have a colleague at work now. one of the other interns, and hes been nice, but he doesnt talk much, which makes me worried i annoy him at times. i make the effort to call him out to get bubble tea, or coffee, or to sit and eat lunch with me. hes an okay person, i dont know him that well but he enjoys gaming and its fun to have some i can talk to thats the same age as me.. despite my mbti telling me im a strict intp personality type, i find conversations one on one very refreshing.
my intuition tells me his manager does not like me though. we work in different departments, and sit close to eachother in the offices, but i am almost never in meetings and his manager is constantly in meetings due to the nature of our respective roles. i have a feeling he thinks i slack off. not to mention i dress a bit more casual than smart casual while in the office, mainly for the sake of my sanity, so his manager might be thinking im unserious about work due to the way i dress. ive defaulted to coming into the office almost exclusively in jeans, a flannel or sweater, and docs or sneakers, which i think is fine and i havent been called out or anything. theres all this new age toting about maintaining a "personal brand". in reality, they expect your personal brand to be comprised solely of business wear. its ridiculous, i dont enjoy selling a deception of myself, fuck collared shirts so much.
the reality of working in insurance kills me; i dislike the awkward small talk with my coworkers, the empty "how are you?"s, the agile crap (that only really exists to extract as much surplus labor from us as possible), the midterm reviews, the dress codes, the seeming insignificance of what i do. i dont care all to much about the acts themselves, but rather, i dislike the fact that i am a hypocrite. these things frustrate me to no end while im at work, but i have to do them, and its honestly soul sucking.
i met an older lady while sitting in second cup today. she lives in the neighborhood, and ive passed by her a few times. she sat next to me while i was finishing up some work, i had to go pee and asked her to watch my laptop. when i came back we sort of hit it off. she was a very bright lady, and she told me i have an accent. ive been told this a few times but i was born here man, maybe its the way i speak? she told me that its important that i set a goal for myself to work towards. hers was to own a house here in toronto, and she managed to do that, plus raise her kids and grandkids in the same home.
it hit a bit close to home to be honest. ever since i signed my return offer to start in the winter, ive been trying to find something i want to work towards, something more long term than just finishing a course or a degree. the question is fundamentally different from the now what?s im used to asking myself. its not being asked out of the subconcious need to do more. it involves me asking myself if theres any meaning to what im doing currently with regards to where i want to be one day. hell, do i even know where i want to be one day? its all so confusing.
i want something to come out of all of this. something will, i know it.