going through the motions
as the cusp of november reached further, my fragility grew stronger. it felt as though, in those few minutes after id wake up, id open my eyes, and a gust of wind would turn my whole being, my whole existence, into fine dust and scatter it along he banks of the river near my home. i fell into this monotonous routine, filling my hours with eerie silence or the playings of my favorite band. i occasionally broke this silence; seeing my loved ones, complimenting a stranger, ordering a coffee, but this was not enough.
id meet others, and all i wanted to ask them was: "what made you this way?". i never brought this question to my lips. its an intense question, one that required an intimate knowledge of oneself. we would talk about our the more mundane aspects of our lives; the managers we disliked, the places weve been, the courses we were taking. we all craved intimacy, but intimacy was a canyon we couldnt cross immediately. over time, id be peeled like an onion. all that was left at the core was silence. pristine silence. we would sit there silent, free of the pressure to make baseless conversation for the sake of it.
i wanted to meet more people. outwardly, my friends with large circles seemed content. i never felt the need to ask them how they were. id get up and go to the wc, needing to wash the thick sense of misunderstanding off my face. my skin red from the scrubbing, my nose dry from the hand soap id use to wash the oils off my nose. coming back to assume my seat, i watched as their eyes lit up on sight of me. i believed they didnt see me for who i was as much as i saw them for who them were. it was okay to leave things as they were. id keep repeat the motions each time i saw them.
a bit of a different style of writing today. i have been pinteresting more than usual these past months. ive deleted most of the major social media apps on my phone, with the exception of discord and pinterest. i grew very tired of them, the thoughtless interactions lacking intimacy, the need to respond to everything in a moments notice, the habit of scrolling while on the streetcar. things have been very quiet. i often find myself scrolling through blogs, and just reading as much as possible, even if its about topics i know nothing about.
i still find myself checking my phone often. ill open the clasp, tap the screen, and find not a single notification. its so empty. part of me enjoys the silence, the non chalantness of it all. a text from a friend, a missed call from my parents, or a random email breaks this silence. when i was younger, i thought that id always have to be in contact with others. if i wasent occupying the minds of others then what proof would i have of my own existence? this thinking died down as i got older, but it always surprises me when someone mentions they talked about me, or that they read what ive written, or even just had me in their thoughts.