getting eaten by a shark
we have come to a close. i finished my exams last week, and today is my fourth last day of my internship. to be honest, i don't know what i'll do. i reinstalled youtube after my wednesday exam and immediately burned two hours watching reels. i think i am used to the nerve-wracking act of balancing both school and working fulltime. the fact that i don't have much to do now is unnerving. i think of those jaws movies where the pretty girl is swimming unknowing that a huge shark is right under her, i'm the pretty girl, trust me. something bad will happen if i'm not busy... that's so cringe to say, but it feels true.
it's always weird coming to this time of year. nobody is doing anything, but everyone is planning for the new year to bring some insane change to their lives. i do the same thing but whenever my birthday comes around, so by proxy i am also guilty of new years resolutions. i wrote a few days ago that i was still deciding what i wanted for twenty-one. i want to be more specific this time and avoid some vague resolution, but nothing concrete comes to mind. maybe im conceited and believe nothing is wrong with me... hopefully not.
these past four months, healthwise, have sucked. i felt like i didn't have much room to breathe most days and it most definitely reflected in the way i treated myself. my undereyes never used to be this dark... my barber told me my face had slimmed down after not seeing him for two months. i ended up terribly sick a few weeks ago. i had back issues. i couldn't sleep without a fat dose of melatonin and magnesium. hangouts with certain friends always ended up with drinking or balling up. i was partly doing it to myself by being so negligent, but i do think i was going through a rough patch, sucks to say.
i remember being sixteen meeting my first properly "out" friend (the whole need to come out is ridiculous, but that's beside the point). we had met through a mutual friend and got somewhat close due to shared experiences with being bisexual while still in highschool. funnily enough, we started hanging out in senior year after i had my little glow up. he really liked working out (i actually invited him over once to work out together and teach me), however what made me kind of talk myself into disliking him was the fact that he told me he only worked out to look good for others. he was doing all these exercises, buying all this skin care, spending all this money, just for guys to be into him. i sound harsh when i say that i couldn't really look at him the same way afterwards. the whole concept of people needing to change themselves, especially physically, in order to appeal to others has always been a sour note to me. im not saying i haven't done it myself, i am a hypocrite, i admit it.
maybe after all the health-related crap i had this year, i should try to actually take care of myself, for my sake. it sounds dumb but it's been easy to let myself go, even while knowing it's happening. i don't know what taking care of myself really entails. i want to try dancing again. i don't think i'd ever do cultural dance, but maybe just some modern dancing. walking has gotten boring, i feel like something more intense would help me drain all my energy at the end of the day. in similar sort of fashion, saying no to substance use and not putting myself in situations where they are available should be something i could push towards (heavily doubt this will happen, but life is about being optimistic). caffeine is a big thing i could cut out of my life, or intensely limit. iced americanos taste like water and dehydrate me terribly, leaving me with headaches all day. maybe i should invest in some skincare... no. that's too much money.
i'm going to keep resoluting for a bit. maybe i'll come up with something better.