fitting looser
ive always been a plump kid. im tall and most of the weight has always pooled around the ass and legs. buying pants has always been hard for me because i blob out the second i sit down. shirts need to be somewhat baggy on me, or else i feel suffocated. im also very particular on the texture of clothes that i wear.
since the summer has started, i have lost 11 kilos. most of it has been pretty intentional, i started eating better and smarter, going outside more, walking alot more. im not motivated by anything in particular, rather, i just wanted to fit into cuter clothes. i know its a very materialistic motivation but its my motivation so it cant be all that bad, right?
i refuse to track my calories for the most part, nor do i manage my macronutrients. just a concious choice to avoid the things that made me plumper. i am a whore for peanut butter, if i could eat it everyday, i would. i like having my treats though. treats make this life worth living.
my mornings are always a dilemma. i wake up nauseous and it isnt until later in the morning that this feeling resolves itself. i dont have a particularly weak stomach, it just has a rhythm thats out of sync with the way i live. morning lectures scare me because most often than not, i go into them not eating anything. after about an my stomach will start its routine and im left trying to disguise the noises my own body makes. im not particularily embarassed by this, its a natural process, rather i hate being perceived.
on days that i go downtown to work, which is now 3 or 4 days a week, i end up not eating until i get home, which tends to be around 6. food is expensive... and i dont see tbe point in spending 20$ on some crappy food court sustinence when i could just wait till i get home. i often end up taking the transit home completely drained and pissed. yesterday i hit my limit, some lady would not stop talking on the phone loud enough so the whole bus could hear, i told her albeit somewhat rudely, to be quiet, being met with a scoff and some rude words thrown back. unironically living the snickers slogan of "youre not you when youre hungry".
the reactions of others to my weight loss is also a bit weird sometimes. the friends that i see regularly havent noticed or really pointed it out, but the people i dont see as often have. i dont like when its pointed out. its as if people think ive done it for some grand reason, or that i want people to like me better, but in reality i just wanted my clothes a bit looser