falling behind
currently wearing three pairs of socks desperatley trying to stretch out these docs but bear with me.
having been born so late in the year, i accepted at an early age that id experience most of my developmental milestones later than my peers. ive always felt behind in life. the feeling gets more intense during certain times of the year, and dies down during others. its always been sort of a background thought in my head. as ive gotten older, ive experienced a downwards trend in terms of the intensity of this emotion, but regardless i cant seem to get rid of it.
i want to say that im not affected by it, that it doesnt impact my day to day life, but recently ive come to the realization that maybe it has. the semester recently started and so has my internship, even though its been only three weeks, i have felt this feeling overwhelmingly. i dont know what i want, what i expected going into this. i havent been sleeping well, nor have i been eating all that much. even though im doing all these objectively impressive things (in my parents' words) and outwardly project this image that my life is going my way through my medias and coworkers, i feel as though im falling behind. theres something missing to all of this, something everyone else has but i dont. some crucial milestone that my peers have reached, but i still fail to even see.
is it love? am i feeling this way because the people around me are going out with others? is it travel? why do my friends that go on these long and beautiful trips seem so much more composed than i? is it the sense of belonging im missing? am i changing myself around others? why do people seem so fulfilled? this list goes on but i fail to see why i feel this way.
i spoke with my dad about this in the past. this feeling of not having done enough, and the feeling that i am falling behind. its been a while since we had this conversation, but the one thing i remember him telling me is that i hold myself to an overly high standard. a standard that i keep increasing and increasing after each milestone in my life. i hold myself to such a high standard that i can never feel fulfilled with what i have in front of me right now. he told me that feeling of falling behind comes looking at others being fulfilled with themselves and feeling envious. even through all the turbulence of my relationship with my dad, he never fails to see right through me.
anyways, as i grow older i am trying to lower the standards for myself. its not an easy process, but i think the more i can identify when i am holding myself to a high standard, the less it will happen and hopefully i can lower that bar. this might also just tie in with being a less dramatic individual. whatever. nothing in life should ever be this serious.