exhaustion.
ive done it once again. i think i have overloaded myself and im slowly starting to feel it. this whole week took something out of me. balancing work and school is really fucking with my body. maybe it was just a busy week, or maybe i am getting tired, but it felt like there was no time for anything. my appetite has pretty much declined. my head starts hurting once the clock hits 4 in the afternoon. i dont want to complain in this post, i just want to explain the reasoning of my exhaustion tonight.
my classes are fine to be honest. i dont think either complex or real analysis will be that bad. ill figure out in october once i get a job offer whether ill be aiming for a pass or whether i will need to try harder. im at the point in my academics where i just want to get it over with. school frustrates me a lot. there is no flexibility, there is no compassion. these are courses im required to show up for and have no word in how they are administered, even though ive paid 800$ to take the credit. its quite frankly ridiculous.
my attitude towards university has changed since i started. i think a degree enables me to do things and make money in ways i could not have without one, but i dont agree with the notion of paying so much for a degree. maybe i view it differently, i go to a commuter school, my life revolves around other things, and not what school i attend, so its natural to think this way. i have gone through the student council crap, i have volunteered within the school, i planned events, its so tiring and not worth it at all in the long run.
next week is looking to be stressful. maybe not stressful, but as packed as this week was. i look at my calendar and dread every moment of next week. ill be attending my once removed great uncles wake on wednesday. i didnt want my mom to be alone, and since my dad doesnt want to go, ill be going with her. i dont know the deceased and now never will, but i know that my mom sometimes gets sensitive about death, even if she doesnt show it, so i want to be there with her. the wake is quite far away, so ill have to work from home that day and hop in the car once i log off for the day.
my subteam at work has a stakeholder meeting on friday regarding the project im assigned to. and im still missing the required accesses. i feel a bit useless and a burden to my team. i know its not my fault, but it really has started to irritate me how slowly things are moving regarding this issue. it feels as though i had to push others to help so that anything could be done. i hate apologizing when something isnt my fault, i hate having to take fault for something i have no control over. i just want to get to my work and do my tickets in a peaceful environment. the work isnt hard work, id rather work on these tickets than fill my time with meaningless readings and crap. i have a midterm review that needs to go well if i want a return offer, and this might affect it if it goes on for any longer. tommorrow i am going to spam the required people and be over with it, i need to work, its gone on long enough.
anyways, in better news, spotify is finally suggesting me decent songs to add to playlists. here is one song i have been listening to today. chill melody and good energy from the singer. good night. im going to sleep