clutter
today was a very tedious day. nothing of note happened, but it felt very long. i went to the second cup to do my analysis assignment. suprisingly, the five questions i was assigned only took me two hours, which is probably an all time record within my four years of my degree. near the end of the two hours, my childhood friend who got a job recently at the same cafe said hi as she was starting her shift. afterwards i took the bus to go see my mom at work, steal her car, and get some errands done. i got my phone screen replaced (i have a flip phone whose screen bubbles up every 6 months) at the mall close by and ate some chipotle for the second time in my life. after exploring the mall, i drove my mom home.
anyways, my life update is not the point of the blog. after all of that running around, my mom pointed out the ikea on the way home and suggested we go in. i broke my bed a few months ago, i sat on it wrong and busted the underframe, so for the past 5 months, my mattress has been sagging near the middle while i sleep. i dont really mind it all that much, i think the feeling of being suffocated in the materess helps me sleep better. my mom thinks otherwise.
while looking around ikea, walking around in circles as little white arrows entrap me in loops of bedding, sheets, storage units and beds, i kept thinking to myself "people actually plan out what they want their rooms to look like?". i had never given much thought to that question before. id always dream of a room makeover like the ones on tv, but my reality was buying homesense clearance and swapping furniture tags when i worked at marshalls.
my shelf, my table, my desk, my blanket, my carpet, my painting. all of these were gradual additions to my room. things i found cool and kept adding. i find that for the past few years, ive just been adding more and more. my books overflow onto my desk, my air purifier sits on a cardboard box, my fan sits under my clothes rack. i dont have space for it. my storage box under the bed is filled with my old clothes, clothes i might wanna wear one day, clothes i might fit into one day, clothes that dont fit this season of my life. in my dresser, filled to the brim with fall and winter clothes, my current rotation of outfits sits outside the dresser and on a twenty five dollar ikea rolling rack.
i have so much stuff. small knick knacks, big things, medium things. its all very overwhelming at times. what if i need it one day and dont have it? i have not touched my record player in almost a year, but what if i see a vinyl i like? id rather have it and not need it, than need it and not have it...
ever since my parents and sisters came back from their trip, i have felt suffocated. i was used to having most of the house to myself, but now that i share it with four others, i feel like there is no space for me except my room. my room, my room, my room. i dont like to be in the kitchen when others are around, i dont like sitting in the living room in silence, and the balcony has gotten a bit boring. i think that outside of work and my daily walks, i am pretty much in my room otherwise. my deepest thinking, my toughest moments, and some very joyous memories, have all occurred in this very space.
i, like my room, am a very cluttered individual. even though i try not to show it, my interests, my life style changes, my emotions, all of it is like a bucket filled to the brim. there is so much to sort through all the time, and it just feels overwhelming sometimes. i try to clear up things from time to time, but then my room just feels empty and lifeless. i have so many decorations, shelves, prints i want to put up, but i ahve no energy to move them off the ground. i tell myself all the time. "ill eventually get to it? right?", even though i know i wont.
there is simply too much stuff, too much clutter around me.