choosing what people could be
for the past three winters, i go into a feral period where i find myself either looking for a boyfriend or looking to leave the country. i can't just sit still, winter is slow, and the dull skies i'm used to seeing only make my itch for a change worse. i'll find any excuse to go out for the night if it means not having to sit at home. i'll walk around my neighborhood at two in the morning until i can't feel my fingers. i'll spend my birthday at home and new years in morally questionable situations. winter has me insatiable for something new, to keep my attention until the leaves turn green and i can quit the vitamin d supplements. i indulge myself in food, poor decisions, whoever and whatever gives me an ounce of their time. it's routine for me, and each time spring comes, i learn more about what i don't want for myself. it's shit and self induced but i don't know, i'm just friends with myself. this is the first winter where i feel somewhat okay. maybe i've stabilized? yes, a new year trip, or having a partner would be nice (and i am trying), but these aren't things that would make or break the season.
my need for connection often clouds my judge of someone's character. even if a guy isn't particularly good for or to me, i tend to keep the relationship going. it's shit, but we press on. i'm finding a least this time around, my tolerance for poor behaviors (mainly in guys, but can be applied broadly to others) is at an all time low. when i go through this, instead of instantly deading the connection and moving on, i've been asking myself "how do i proceed in a way that aligns with how i'd want to be treated if i was that person?". key example was on wednesday, i stopped by after work to say hi to someone (lets call him j) and grab some coffee. j and i have been on two dates, hes okay... and i payed for his coffee both times. i grew up being taught that offering to pay (for small things) is common social etiquette, you scratch my back and i'll scratch yours. i don't like to keep track of dollar amounts nor do i like the concept of anyone owing something to me, however i think that it's generally expected that these behaviors go both ways. that being said, i take someone someone not offering to pay for your coffee, even after they've invited you, even after you've paid for their coffee the previous two times, as an indicator for poor social etiquette. this is exactly what happened on that wednesday, we sit down in a starbucks (not my first choice, but it was cold out), we go to the counter to order, no ask of what i want, i'm forced to order my own. i'm not one to point that type of behavior, and i kept it to myself, but i remember being bitter about it for the rest of the date. i don't remember anything about the ninety minute date, other than those first ten minutes.
i've come to the point that the bar for entry for being my friend is significantly higher than it is for a relationship, and in some way i find that accepting poor behaviors is easier in a relationship, because i've built this image in my head of what my future partner could be. they could have, they should have, but they won't and don't, and it's the don'ts that i keep tally of, until they eventually pour over into resentment on my end. the difference for me is that friends come to you as they are, and it's up to you to decide if you want to accept that, while partners and relationships while young are about what they could be. i find i cling to what a partner could be more than anything else, rather than who they are right now, and i think it's something i need to change going forward.