više manje zauvek

bol u ledjima sa leve strane

saturday and today felt like the first semblance of fall. a season ive been waiting a long time for. toronto had been horribly hot for past few weeks, so imagining anything below 20 degrees was out of the picture up till now.

friday was a sharp contrast to saturday. i went into the office that day to get some work done early in the morning. it was my first time waking up at 5 am in what feels like ages. i've been trying to go in earlier than usual, especially with this winter season coming in, i want to be able to leave work around 3 and have some time to bask in the sunlight. i wore a dark blue merino sweater and my fat jeans along with my wide tennis shoes. a semi comfortable outfit, given the weather was pushing 25 degrees in early october.

the middle left area of my back has been hurting for the past two weeks. it comes in waves and was pretty mild up until wednesday. i, like most irrational beings, pretty much assumed the worse, i had some disease, or a tumor, or some infection. whatever it turned out to be, i was a tad bit worried friday morning when the mild soreness turned into moderate dull pain.

"i consider myself a decently healthy individual, i dont do any heavy drugs, i dont drink all that often, i eat a good diet, i drink my water, i go outside and touch grass" i told the triage nurse friday night in the emergency room. that whole night felt like i was being pushed along a conveyer belt. check this, check that, fill this cup, show me where it hurts, go down this hallway, wait here. it was a bit unsettling to be honest.

sitting in the emergency room waiting to be seen, looking at the taken seats in the waiting room, made me realize how weird human life is. we dont like discomfort, so when our bodies start experiencing pain, we halt our livelihoods to seek help. maybe our motivation lies in fleeing discomfort or pain? we work to avoid the discomfort of starving, of sleeping on hard conrete. we sit on our phones to avoid the discomfort of boredom. we do drugs to avoid the pain of reality. whatever. its a thought i had, a semi constructive one at that.

im sure my pain wasent the worst in that waiting room, there was someone in an more pertinent situation most likely. however all i could feel while sitting in my seat was worry about myself. i wanted the bandage ripped off as soon as possible. thankfully, my blood, my chest xray, my pee, etc all came back fine.

my back still hurts though. i think it most likely be in my posture or the way i carry my things. i realize i often shift the weight of everything on my right side, the side opposite to where my back was hurting. i carry my tote on my right. i pick up things with my right hand first. i lean to the right always. i dont know.