black star
things have slowed down for me. i find myself sitting outside during my lunch breaks despite the colder weather weve been having. sometimes ill have a coffee with me to warm me up while i sit. or ill bring a pair of headphones and a keycard to play around with and keep my hands warm. on days when its sunny, i like to sit directed towards the sun and soak up as much of it as possible during the hour of uninterrupted peace i have. the more time i spend outside the more ive started appreciating these small moments of peace each day.
maybe i am just a loner, but at times, i find myself really indulging in alone time. there comes times when i need a break from school or work, and ill take a walk to the river, or ill sit down in a cafe for a bit on my way home, just cause. this habit of mine popped up around four years ago if i remember correctly. i had skipped my highschool french class and decided to go downtown to watch a movie. i dont remember which movie i watched, but it was proper fun. over the years, this evolved to being able to eat alone, wander alone, go to concerts alone, even travel internationally alone. you might be thinking to yourselves, okay aco but did you feel lonely at any point?
to that question, i think that being okay with being alone for period of times is just a natural facet to growing older. people grow up, and we all have different dreams and wishes we hope to follow. the idea that we have to sit and wait for others to cluster around us just so that we can start living is a ridiculous one.
i think that we confuse the idea of being alone and lonely. atleast in my head, i interpret the former as something physical and related to the absence of others physically around me, while loneliness is something else. loneliness is like a stray dog that you feed, but cant house yourself. you can care for it all youd like, but unless you home it, itll never leave your head.
when i initially started doing these things, i felt pretty lonely to be honest. it was unnatural to me, i spent my whole life begging to go places with other and hoping someone would take me somewhere, only to find myself telling the lady at the sushi restaurant i wanted a table for one. gradually, this feeling turned out to just be anxiety, and not actual loneliness. i had people in my life that i was happy with, and i mattered to them as much as they mattered to me, i was just anxious to have been doing something without company. once you start letting go of this feeling i promise you that alone time becomes a million times more enjoyable. our toughest opinions about ourselves are usually based in what we perceive ourselves to be perceived as by others. i go to the art gallery every once in a while when i leave work early, i sit down in krispy kreme sometimes on my way back from work, i just exist man.