are you really there?
i spent my monday morning looking for what to wear. something comfortable since id be wearing it all day, but also something presentable. my outfit choice to be honest was subpar in my eyes. i ended up looking emo. which i would have been fine with if it wasent that i had something important later in the day. docs, some grey work pants and a black sweater, all encapsulated in my wildly huge trenchcoat. my hair, my hair, my hair. i spent so long adjusting it, touching it, and it just didnt look the way i wanted it to. my red eyes from not enough sleep had me looking in the mirrior and not noticing myself.
i spent the periods of early morning to late afternoon with my heart palpitating. i always get nervous. nervous before talking to someone, nervous before going somewhere new. nervous before doing something new. it was something new, something unfamiliar that made me this way.
times like this make me feel besides myself. i couldnt focus the whole day. my morning lecture felt endless, my workstation felt like an abyss and as my stomach turned upside down, i threw up the muffin i ate in the morning. after a few hours of being awake, my teeth felt unkept, my skin felt covered in a layer of grime, and my tear duct burnt as my eyes went blodshot red once again.
6 pm hit, id finished my 3 hour lecture, put in my 7 hours of work, it was time. the last one in the office, i jumped to the washroom, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and readjusted my hair for the millionth time. worried id be late, i hurried out the revolving door and onto the street. with the street full of people commuting home, i took my seat near a statue. what if he didnt show? what if he sees me and turns around? what if i clam up and make it awkward
i went on a first date. its been more than a year since the last. it was uneventful to be honest. i cant sit and judge a person off of a two hour conversation, but ill say that it was nice to step out of my comfort zone.
a stark minimalist, but i struggle throwing out the smallest things. a young professional as he would say, but i, a student balancing my whole world like a seal in the aqua park. he liked to travel, he told me about his gap year, the hostels he stayed in, the adventures he went on. one drink turned to two, and introductions turned to something deeper. a socially acceptable level of familiarity was reached for two peopld who had no idea about the other the morning prior. do you see other people? what are you looking for? what do you want in your future?
it ended on an okay note. i didnt once feel overwhelmed, nor did i feel particularly impressed or infatuated. it was as if i didnt need to sit and impress someone, rather i can lay my life out and let them decide what to pick at, what parts of me are interesting, what parts of me lack, the works... with blodshot eyes and from the dreariness of the day and an affirmation of the night we shared, i walked to the subway and took my ass home.
as i look back, i see how pointless the anxiety of that day was. i served me no purpose. it happens everytime and each time i spend the days leading up to it miserable. maybe exposure helps with it. regardless i dont regret it.